Positive self-talk examples to help you be kind to yourself

When you talk to yourself, are you usually kind or critical? If you’re like most people, you’re harsher than you’d like to be. But don’t worry, there’s hope! It’s easy to be hard on yourself. We are our own worst critics, and it’s something most of us struggle with every day. But being kind to yourself is so important; it can be the difference between a good day and a bad day and have lasting impacts on your mental health.

One way to be kind to yourself is through positive self-talk. This means positively speaking to yourself, even when you make a mistake. It sounds simple, but it can be challenging. Understanding self-talk and its impacts on wellbeing is the first step to changing yours to be more constructive. Following is a description of self-talk and some positive self-talk examples to bring you closer to a kind mind.

Understanding self-talk

Self-talk is the inner monologue we all have running in our heads. This little voice offers positive or negative reinforcement about our choices and actions. Most of us are unaware of the power of self-talk, but it can be a very influential tool. This inner voice can frame situations and make us feel good or bad about ourselves. It’s a powerful tool that helps us navigate our world, but it needs to be handled with care.

Types of negative self-talk

There are many different forms of negative self-talk. Here we are looking at personalising, catastrophising, filtering, polarising, mind reading and fortune telling. Identifying what type of negative self-talk you most struggle with is the first step to being able to combat it.

Personalising self-talk is when you take responsibility for things out of your control. It means that when something goes wrong, you automatically believe it’s because of something you said or did. We all assume we have a more significant impact on what’s happening around us than we do. We are, after all, the heroes of our own story, and it makes sense to place ourselves at the centre. More often than not, however, you aren’t the primary influence on what happens around you.

Examples of personalising include:

“My friend hasn’t called me; I must have offended them somehow.”

“A memo came out at work about appropriate attire; the boss must have hated my outfits.”

Catastrophizing self-talk is when you blow things out of proportion and make them seem much worse than they are. Instead of taking things in stride, you tell yourself that if something negative happens, it will end the world, and you’ll never recover. This thought process assumes that one incident impacts the rest of your event, day etc.

Examples of catastrophising include:

“I made a mistake on this assignment; I’m going to fail this entire course.”

“I didn’t enjoy my breakfast; today will be a disaster.”

“I had a lacklustre New Year celebration; this whole year will be awful.”

Filtering self-talk is when you let in all the bad aspects and thoughts about a situation but don’t pay any attention to the positive ones.

For example, you had a reasonably productive day at work, finished most of your set tasks and got a compliment about your work from a colleague. You forgot to return one phone call. Filtering thoughts would be thinking about that one phone call only, thinking you had a bad day when there was much more good than bad in reality.

Polarising self-talk is when you think a situation is either perfect or a disaster. There is no middle ground for things to be average; if they are not perfect, they are a disaster, and you are a failure. This thinking hinders individuals with high perfectionism and is often thought of as black or white.

Examples of polarising include:

“I slept in today; I’m so lazy” (even if you’ve been up early every other day)

“I ate this cheat meal, my whole diet is ruined, and I’m a failure.” (this is often followed by more eating)

Mind reading self-talk is when you assume that you know what other people think without evidence. You convince yourself that others are feeling a certain way or thinking something that possibly isn’t even on their radar.

Examples of mind reading include:

“That person looked at me funny; they must think I’m strange or hate what I’m wearing.”

“I’ll bet my friends don’t like the salad I brought for the group dinner; they probably think it looks gross.”

Fortune-telling self-talk is when you predict that things will go badly, even though there’s no evidence to back it up.

Examples of fortune-telling include:

“My partner didn’t say I love you this morning; we’re going to break up.”

“I just know I will fail this test, even though I studied.”

How does negative self-talk affect us?

Negative self-talk can hold us back and keep us from reaching our full potential. Research has shown that consistent negative self-talk impacts our mental health, confidence and overall wellbeing. It tends to exacerbate issues that are already there in terms of our feelings towards ourselves. Even though it is just one aspect of your thinking, it affects many other pillars of good mental wellbeing.

How does positive self-talk help?

Speaking more in a more supportive and uplifting way to yourself helps with confidence, self-esteem and motivation. This leads to higher chances of success in projects and endeavours, and as you are more likely to reach your goals, this creates a positive feedback loop making positive self-talk easier in the future. While this is great, it means that the most challenging time to maintain positive self-talk is at the beginning.

How to change your mindset

Step 1 – Listen to yourself and identify patterns.

The first thing to do is listen to your inner thoughts. You can do this by simply noticing, although this can make it more difficult to detect patterns over time. Writing down your thoughts is a more thorough way to undergo this investigation. Notice if these thoughts are usually positive or negative. Which parts of your behaviours are most under fire from your negative thoughts?

Step 2 – Examine the known truth.

Stop to think about the actual known truths of the matter. For instance, do you know what that person is thinking, or are you just guessing? If you are guessing, it may be an incorrect assumption. Try and acknowledge when you are forming a belief without evidence.

Step 3 – Be constructive.

When you catch a negative piece of self-talk, try to reverse it. Some examples of positive self-talk are outlined below.

Instead of this…	Try this…
I made a mistake; I’m such an idiot	I made a mistake; I’ll learn from that and do differently next time
It’s too complicated; I can’t do it	I may need persistence and to learn more to challenge this task, but I can do it
I’m not going to try; I’ll only fail anyway	If I work hard, I’ll bet I can do this
I’m so dumb	I have my strengths
Everything happens to me; I have no control	I need to look at what I can control and work towards my goals
I’m not good enough to gain that promotion	I am good at my job, and if I want that promotion, I should apply
I’m so old	Older and wiser; I’m as capable now as I’ve ever been

Examples of Positive Self-talk

A good rule of thumb is to speak to yourself how you would speak to a loved one if they were in your situation. If a loved one made a mistake, would you say, “you’re so stupid, you can’t do anything right!”? If you wouldn’t say it to them, then don’t say it to yourself! Here are some examples of positive self-talk messages. Use them consistently, and you’ll find that it gets easier and more consistent to do so, and you will start to believe it! Confidence and self-love, here we come!

These can get you started, but the opportunities for positive self-talk are endless.

I am capable of achieving anything I set my mind to

I am strong and able to handle any challenge

I am worthy of love and respect

I have a unique set of strengths

I am a good person

I have people who love me

I work hard and do my best

Mistakes are an opportunity for growth

I can learn anything

It could be worse

I have the right to change my mind

This is a great chance to learn and grow

I can make positive changes

Only I can control how I feel

I have power over my own life

I choose to make changes for myself

Conclusion

Self-care is more than just physical care; it’s also about emotional and mental care. One of the best ways to take care of yourself emotionally and mentally is to practice self-compassion. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and forgiveness that you would show to someone else.

One of the most important things you can do is talk to yourself in a positive way. This may seem difficult initially, but it’s worth exploring different positive self-talk examples until you find ones that work for you. If you’re not used to talking to yourself in a positive way, it may feel awkward or even silly at first. But keep at it! The more you practice, the easier it will become. Soon enough, speaking kindly to yourself will become second nature.