Dealing with Loneliness: Why we feel lonely and how to make it stop

Loneliness can be a complex emotion to understand and manage, involving feelings of emptiness, isolation, sadness, and insecurity. People experience loneliness for various reasons, depending on individual context. In this article, we will explore what loneliness is and why it happens. We will look at its impact on us psychologically and socially, and provide some practical advice on dealing with loneliness.

What is Loneliness?

Loneliness is the feeling of being alone or lacking connection. Loneliness can occur when you are socially isolated or even in the presence of other people if it doesn’t feel like deeper relationships are being forged. You can experience it due to physical or social isolation or a lack of engagement and meaningful associations with others. Loneliness can take many forms, including not having close friendships or feeling like you don’t fit in with the people around you.

Why Does It Happen?

Loneliness is a complex emotion and can be caused by both psychological and social factors. The following are some of the reasons why people may experience loneliness:

• Low self-esteem – leads to doubting our worth and value, making us feel unworthy of relationships and love
• Lack of social skills – not knowing how to interact with others effectively can make us feel socially awkward and avoidant
• Loss of a loved one – death or absence of a close friend or family member can leave us grieving and missing that connection
• Inability to form relationships – struggles with developing and maintaining relationships due to failure to connect emotionally
• Unfamiliar environments – a new housing location, attending a new school or university, or starting a new job can leave us uncertain about our social connections
• Feeling different from others – feeling different from those around can lead to reserved behaviours and a lack of connection
• Negative self-talk – can lead to a problematic self-view, creating a sense of disconnection from others
• Lack of social media validation – not having enough “likes” and followers can lead to feelings of disconnection from peers

How Does It Affect Us?

There are both psychological and social impacts of loneliness.

Psychological Impacts

When we feel lonely, we tend to experience negative thoughts and emotions such as sadness, insecurity, anxiety, and low self-esteem. We may also become more prone to depression and other negative impacts on mental health if these feelings are prolonged.

Social Impacts

Loneliness can lead to a lack of engagement in our social environment, making us more likely to isolate ourselves from others. This can lead to a lack of meaningful connections with people and therefore increased feelings of loneliness.

Individual Context

There are various factors to consider when looking at the effects of loneliness. There are many different personality types and classifications, characteristics of which can significantly impact how circumstances affect each individual and how they experience feelings of loneliness. 

Different personality types experience loneliness in different ways. For example, individuals with more extroverted characteristics tend to feel more lonely if they are not surrounded by people or regularly engage in social activities, whilst introverted individuals may find comfort in spending time alone. It’s important to note that the use of introvert/extrovert is not a dichotomy – it’s a scale and can change over time for each person.

Different people have different needs for social contact. Some may feel comfortable with limited social interactions, while others may require more meaningful and frequent connections to combat feelings of loneliness. Personality, psychology and social conditioning all play a part in this. 

Methods for Combating Loneliness

There are various methods for combating loneliness. The following are some ideas to help you combat loneliness and feel more secure and happy.

Changing perspectives

It can be helpful to shift perspectives on loneliness from a negative experience to something that can teach us about ourselves and how we interact with others. You can do this by recognizing the positive aspects of loneliness, such as having time for introspection, learning to rely on ourselves, and gaining a better understanding of our needs. Remind yourself that everyone feels lonely sometimes and that changing perspectives can play a part in wellbeing during those times. 

You can do a few things to help shift your perspective on loneliness. Here are some ideas:

• Take time for introspection – when you’re feeling lonely, spend some time reflecting on what you’ve been thinking and feeling
• Write a list of the positive aspects of loneliness – write down any positive aspects or lessons that come to mind when you think about your experience with loneliness
• Focus on self-care – Take time to nourish and care for yourself, mentally and physically. If you need some tips on this, check out “How to Practice Efficient Self-Care”

Gratitude

It can be challenging to feel grateful when you’re lonely, but practising gratitude can help realign your mindset to focus on the positive. Expressing gratitude can also allow us to appreciate the good things in our lives, even if we don’t have a large social circle or close relationships.

Here are some ideas to help you practice gratitude:

• Write a list of people who have impacted your life, from your past as well as in the present
• Express appreciation for small acts of kindness
• Write a heartfelt thank you note or letter to someone you are thankful for
• Check out this gratitude meditation script

Quality Time

Spending quality time with others can be a great way to reduce loneliness. Quality time can come in many forms, such as going on a walk with friends or family, engaging in meaningful conversations, or doing activities together.

Here are ideas for spending quality time:

• Plan an outing with friends or family – explore somewhere new or visit an old favourite spot, even a backyard picnic!
• Start a conversation club – gather a group of people interested in engaging in meaningful conversations over a shared interest (these can be easier online!)

Hobbies

Engaging in activities that bring you joy can be a great way to reduce loneliness. Hobbies are a healthy distraction from negative emotions and can help develop new skills, discover new interests, and sometimes meet people with similar interests.

Here are some tips to help you get started with a new hobby:

• Explore your interests – take some time to think about what activities bring you joy
• Start small – if you’re starting a new hobby, try a few smaller projects before tackling something more ambitious
• Join a hobby group – look for local hobby groups or meet-ups in your area to connect with other people who share your interests

Digital Chats

Organizing virtual chats with family, friends, and acquaintances is an effective way to reduce loneliness. Social media platforms such as Skype, Facebook messenger, and WhatsApp make it easy to connect with people across long distances.

Here are ideas for organizing digital chats:

• Set up regular video calls – schedule time each week or month to catch up with family and friends over video chat
• Create online discussion groups – gather people with similar interests to discuss topics, play games, or exchange stories
• Share photos and videos – send pictures and videos you’ve taken recently to your family, friends, and acquaintances over digital chat

Exercise

Regular exercise can effectively reduce feelings of loneliness by boosting your mood and releasing endorphins. Exercise can also be a great way to connect with others, as many gyms or fitness classes are filled with people who share the same interests.

Here are the tips for getting started with exercise:

• Set realistic goals – start small and set achievable goals that you can work towards
• Find an exercise buddy – try to find a friend or family member who shares similar interests in exercise so that you have someone to stay motivated with, even if this is just support from a distance
• Mix it up – vary your workouts by doing different daily activities, such as running, biking, swimming, yoga or hiking

Joining a Group

Joining a group is another excellent way to feel connected and reduce loneliness. Groups can be anything from book clubs and hobby groups to sports teams or religious congregations. Many communities have organized gatherings for people of all ages, making it easy to find groups that interest you.

Here are some ideas for joining a group:

• Explore your interests
• Check out online resources – many local businesses have websites or social media pages that post updates on upcoming events or activities
• Find a mentor – look for people interested in the same activities as you and seek their advice and guidance when joining a group

Volunteering

Volunteering is an excellent way to connect with others and combat loneliness. Not only does volunteering allow you to feel more connected, but it can also help boost your self-esteem and make a difference in the lives of those around you.

Here are a few tips for getting started with volunteering:

• Find a cause that is meaningful to you – look for volunteer opportunities that are related to causes or organizations that you’re passionate about
• Do your research – research different volunteer opportunities in your area and find one that most resonates with you
• Talk to other volunteers – reach out to current volunteers to get a better idea of the experience

Going Outside

Getting outside and connecting with nature can be an effective way to reduce feelings of loneliness. Nature can help us feel more grounded and connected, which in turn can help improve our moods. Spending time outdoors is also great for physical health, as it has been linked to improved cardiovascular health, lower stress levels, and better sleep.

Here are some tips for getting outside:

• Find an outdoor activity you enjoy – try camping, hiking, biking, fishing or bird watching and find activities that make being outdoors enjoyable
• Exploring nature – take some time to explore the natural beauty around you; look for wildlife, plants, or fungi you haven’t seen before
• Spend time in green spaces – find nearby parks where you can spend some time in nature without having to hike or bike, take a book or a snack and watch the other visitors and wildlife

Pets and Animals

Having a pet can be a great way to reduce loneliness and provide companionship. Pets are fantastic for unconditional love and emotional support, which can be immensely beneficial during loneliness.

Here are some things to consider before getting a pet:

• Choose the right pet – do your research to determine which type of pet would be the best fit for you and your lifestyle
• Learn basic care requirements – research the basics of caring for that particular type of pet, such as feeding schedules and exercise needs
• Seek out pet adoption services – explore local pet rescue and adoption organizations to find a furry friend who needs a home
• Consider fostering a pet or having a home trial before adoption – remember, a furry (or scaly or feathery) friend is for life, so consider their needs carefully

If you aren’t up for pet adoption, try this:

• Visit a friend or family member who has a pet for a cuddle, or offer to pet sit for them
• Visit local green spaces and sit quietly, observing the birds, possums or squirrels, people’s dogs and other animals in the area
• Set up a bird feeder or bird bath outside a window at home

Online Groups

Joining online groups can also be an effective way to reduce loneliness. Online communities provide a safe and convenient space for people to connect with others with similar interests and values. This can help foster meaningful relationships that can last beyond the digital world.

Here are some tips for joining online groups:

• Find the right group – research an online group relevant to your interests and values
• Explore the conversation – take some time to explore existing discussions in the group; this can help you understand what topics are discussed and how people interact with each other
• Start participating – once you’ve gotten to know the group, start contributing to conversations or initiating new ones. This can help strengthen the connections you have with the other members of the group.

Self-Care

Self-care is essential in managing loneliness and feeling more secure in our lives. Taking time out to meditate, practice yoga, or read a book can help us reconnect with ourselves and improve our mental and emotional wellbeing.

Here are a few tips for practising self-care:

• Schedule “me time” – set aside time every day or every week to take care of yourself
• Do something you enjoy – think of activities that make you feel relaxed and happy, like reading a book or walking
• Take breaks from technology – make sure to give yourself breaks from your devices and screens; try to spend some time disconnected from technology each day

For more tips, check out “How to Practise Efficient Self-Care”

Social Media Hiatus

Taking a break from social media can help feelings of loneliness. It is easy to compare yourself to people on the internet, leading to inferiority or envy. Taking a few days off from posting and keeping up with other people’s lives can help alleviate those feelings.

Here are a few tips for your social media break:

• Limit your time online – set specific limits for how much time you spend using social media daily or weekly
• Delete apps from your phone – temporarily deleting social media apps from your phone can help you stay away from them
• Find alternative activities – rather than spending time scrolling through social media, explore alternative activities like reading a book or going for a walk in nature to reconnect with yourself and the world around you

If excessive negative news and social media consumption is an issue for you, this article may also help: “Doomscrolling”

Journaling

Writing down our thoughts and feelings can be a great way to reduce loneliness. Journaling helps us constructively process difficult emotions, which can help bring clarity and perspective to our lives.

Here are a few tips for journaling:

• Start small – write a few sentences every day and gradually increase the amount of writing you do
• Explore different formats – experiment with different types of journaling, such as stream-of-consciousness or gratitude journals
• Be honest with yourself – allow yourself to express your thoughts and feelings without judgment or censorship. This process can help foster greater self-awareness and understanding

For more inspiration and tips on starting journaling, check out “How to Start Journaling”

Therapy

Seeking professional help from a therapist or counsellor can also be an effective way to manage loneliness. A therapist can provide valuable guidance and insight into our thoughts, feelings and behaviours and help us foster healthier relationships with ourselves and others.

Here are a few tips for seeking therapy:

• Find the right therapist – research therapists in your area who specialize in the issues you’re dealing with; online directories can be a great resource
• Consider online therapy if you can’t find a local – companies like BetterHelp offer a fantastic remote service
• Be honest and open-minded – trust your therapist and allow yourself to be vulnerable; it’s the only way to progress
• Set realistic goals – work with your therapist to set specific, attainable goals that you can work on over time. These should be realistic and achievable so that you don’t become discouraged.

Public Places

Sitting in public places like parks or cafés can be a great way to observe other people and get out of our heads for a bit. The passing interactions you have with wait staff, passers-by and others around these areas can foster a sense of connection to the community.

Be sure to:

• Choose a place that you enjoy – find somewhere comfortable and pleasant to sit, like a park, café, shopping hub
• Be mindful of your thoughts – as you observe other people, try to notice your thoughts and feelings without judgment or comparison
• Look for connections – See if you can find any commonality between yourself and the people around you; this may help build a sense of shared humanity.

Conclusion

Loneliness can be a complex emotion to manage, but it is possible. With the right coping strategies and support, we can learn to find comfort in solitude or reconnect with those around us. We can also foster meaningful connections that bring joy and satisfaction. By exploring different methods, we can learn to cope with loneliness in healthy and meaningful ways.